Last night’s episode of TUF made me realize that as much as I complain about the show, I really enjoy it. I also really hate it, but I enjoy hating it. It’s kind of like the way I love making fun of soccer. Sure, when all the Greeks in my neighborhood are rushing down to the pizza joint to watch Athens play some team whose name seems to be made up of hieroglyphic symbols, that’s ridiculous to me, but as soon as the World Cup rolls around I’m watching every game I can.
That’s kind of how I feel about TUF. If looked at as a serious representation of the sport, it’s pretty dumb. If looked at as a goof, it’s hilarious. Take last night’s episode, wherein the main conflict revolved around one team defecating in the top of another team’s toilet. I didn’t know it before watching the show, but this prank has a name: the upper decker.
Huh. How about that.
That bit of wisdom is a trifle compared to the things I’ve picked up over the many seasons of TUF:
1. If you’re trying to lose weight and you’re nowhere near your goal, an ice cream cake will suddenly, magically appear with no explanation. And it won’t hurt if you just have one piece…
2. Fighting outside the confines of sport is unacceptable. Pretty much everything else — including all forms of senseless property damage — is perfectly fine. Apparently no one even drops by to ask you to please tone it down a little.
3. When you’ve done something indefensible, for no good reason, and people ask you why you did it, the best possible response is: “Because I do sh-t like that.” It’s a conversation-stopper.
4. Reading is highly overrated. Unless it’s The Bible.
5. Alcohol is free and plentiful.
6. If you’ve got a big event in your life coming up and a storm rolls in the night before, get out there quick and harness its power. That’s a no-brainer, really. I mean, it’s a storm. It’s powerful!
7. You know commercials, those advertisements between segments of a show? Well, you can also do them within the show, by having people talk about a sponsor’s products. It’s genius, and no one will ever realize you’re doing it. Also, there’s no better place to hang than the Hard Rock.
8. When someone dies in your family, it’s best to find out about it on speaker phone. With Matt Hughes in the room. It’s just better for everyone this way.
9. After you’ve done something you shouldn’t have, go ahead and lie about it even when there was a camera crew following you throughout the whole thing. Who’s gonna know?
10. Nothing motivates people like profanity. Lots of it.