It’s going to be a shame when Tank Abbott is killed in the cage by a combination of punches and exhaustion on Saturday night. The live TV audience will be mildly shocked, I’m sure. At least, they’ll be shocked for about two minutes, until they go back and look at the pre-fight training photos where Tank looks like somebody’s grandfather who’s getting his first exercise since the last time he picked up a medicine ball in the Navy.
When I think about what to expect from the Tank-Kimbo affair, I can’t help but flashback to a trip I took with some friends to the Coney Island Aquarium a couple of summers ago. We were there to celebrate Dan Brooks’ engagement to another man, or some such occasion, and the highlight of the day was a fight we witnessed between two walruses over a warm rock. The fight seemed to happen in slow motion, with much bellowing and gnashing of tusks. In the end, the bigger, hoarier of the two walruses won.
This fight will be kind of like that, except instead of the big, hoary walrus fighting a smaller walrus, he’ll be fighting a giant buzz saw. It won’t take as long, but there will be more spectators. It will also be less entertaining, and with fewer snow cones.
If you don’t believe that this is a farce of a fight, witness these recent comments (courtesy of Cage Potato) from the two combatants.
Tank: “Kimbo is going to get hurt, that’s for sure. The way I am and the shape I’m in right now I can’t fathom a human being who can take five minutes of my shots. I am on fire right now.”
Uh huh. You know what I can’t fathom? How Tank could possibly throw five minutes worth of punches without wheezing to a halt for a cigarette break in the middle. But wait, there’s more.
“If you make a strategy to fight someone you are developing little crutches for yourself. I don’t have a plan.”
Really? Tank Abbott doesn’t have a game plan for this fight? So…it’s like his life?
“Everybody gives me shit about my shape. I can do 15 minutes on my head holding my breath.”
Wow. I don’t have enough evidence to dispute that claim, I guess, but let me point out one thing: no one is asking Tank to stand on his head holding his breath for fifteen minutes. They’re asking him to fight Kimbo Slice. Two very different things. Perhaps Tank hasn’t read the contract thoroughly. Man, is he in for a surprise on Saturday night. I’d hate to be the guy who has to explain it to him. (‘Hold on there, chief. I’m supposed to do what, now?’)
Not to be outdone, Kimbo had this to say in response: “Tank is full of shit if he thinks I can’t take his punches. I’m bringing the whole thing to the cage. I am bringing the hood with me to this cage.”
That’s right, people. The hood — a nickname for poor, urban neighborhoods across America — will journey with Kimbo Slice into the cage. Look out.
Honestly, I am kind of looking forward to this fight, but only for one reason. The sooner it happens, the sooner it will be over. Then maybe Kimbo can fight a real opponent. Wouldn’t that be nice.